Friday, January 29, 2010
Pointless Rant
It's not that I think I can't do it. It's not like I haven't done it before. I know i'll be lonely, but I spent 16 years that way and i'm pretty sure I can handle whatever else gets thrown at me, as far as being lonely goes. It's the instability. It's not knowing whats going to happen ever, at any given moment. I have a control problem, I know this. For someone who likes to control every aspect of their life as much as humanly possible, Army life is TOUGH. Tough cookies. I'm bothered how a Sgt. Major, someone pretty high up there, can make an official announcement spanning an entire battalion that the mission is OFF, officially 100% cancelled. Only 5 hours later to turn around and call another battalion formation and say "OOPS, read the paperwork wrong guys, you ARE going! And you are on 2 hour recall!" I'm sorry? How does one misread paperwork that thoroughly? What an idiot. ::sigh:: Whatever. 14 more years of this? Seriously? It's been a long time since i've had one of those "I hate the Army, let's not extend and get out while we still can" moments, but I am totally having one now. I think there comes a moment (maybe several of them?) in every Army wife's life when you realize that your entire hopes and dreams are dependent on your husbands career. Honestly, how far can you get following your dream when you have to take breaks for deployments, training, schools, late nights, early mornings, parenting on your own...? These feelings will probably have subsided by tomorrow, I never stay angry for very long. But right now i'm just jaded. I'm questioning this lifestyle and everything it entails. I'm wishing that my husband went to work at 8 in the morning and came home at 5 in the evening. I'm wishing we could plan vacations whenever we wanted to, and the comfort of knowing he won't miss another recital because a 19 year old PFC needs babysitting. I'm wishing for all of these simple little things that i'm not sure we will ever have. My husband is in love with his career and I could never ask him to give that up. How could I? He's worked so hard and for so long. But another 14 years........of this. I'm not sure I will last. Atleast not with an ounce of sanity.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Yeah..
Terrible day. Really, just terrible. Going to take a short nap before dinner, lest anything else bad happens. :(
Monday, January 25, 2010
Resolutions
New Year Resolution number 6: Start and keep up with a new blog. So here I am. Hopefully I can stick with this but it's been a long time since i've consistently blogged. It's been about 4 years to be exact. Since the good ole Xanga days.
Right now, all is peaceful in my household. Lily is watching "Little Bill" on Nick Jr and Noah is stealing pieces of a chewy peanut butter granola bar from the kitchen table. Leftovers from this morning, I guess. We've been up since 7 am so it's hard to remember. I find it suspicious how a one year old can eat so much. So far this morning he's had 8 ounces of formula, a scrambled egg, a piece of toast with jelly, watered down apple juice in a sippy cup and now the leftover granola bar. That is a lot of food, at least to me. Isn't a baby's stomach supposedly the size of its fist? That's what i've always heard. Someone must be figuring that wrong because my children eat A LOT and always have. Lily eats about 5 small meals a day. No joke. And some of those "small meals" are more than I eat in an entire half day. Hopefully they are blessed with their dad's metabolism. If not, well....I feel sorry for them!
This past weekend was an ok one. I guess i can only say that because we got our taxes done and that always makes you feel somewhat accomplished. But DH got the news on Friday that he is leaving for Haiti soon. Like, really soon. Before February 10th. So that puts a damper on the weekend. I am sad because how could you not be when you know your husband is about to leave and you won't be seeing him for quite awhile? Estimated return date is October 1st. And yes, to me that is a long time to be gone when you haven't had much time to prepare. This will be our first deployment in a LONG time. I mean, long long time. His last return from Iraq was in July 2007. So yeah, its been a while. I guess the best thing about this deployment is that I can rest assured that no bombs will be going off around him. That really is a wonderful thing to not have to worry about. Still, I worry about Noah. Lily & I will be sad, but we will be just fine. We've done this before, we stick together like glue, and she is closer to me than anyone else in this house. Noah has that same bond with his father and I have this terrible feeling inside that this is going to hurt him more than anyone else. I spent the first 3 months of his entire life in and out of the hospital. His father was the one who spent the sleepless nights feeding and soothing him. He gave him all his first baths, and experienced more of the "Baby's First" than I did. I was just too sick to be much help in most instances. I breastfed as long as I could (Noah, it turns out, is severely allergic to milk protein, something we are still dealing with now) but more than half of the breastmilk was expressed and fed to him in bottles while I was sick. So.....while I know that he loves and adores me (and I, him) he has been closest to DH his entire life and this will be their first time apart. It kills me to know that the youngest member of my family is going to hurt the most.
And my husband!
You should have seen him. All weekend, staring at Noah, reminiscing in his own head. Giving him extra hugs, whispery little pep talks. You'd think they shared a lung. It's sweet. But sad. They really are so close. And I understand because Noah is the son he's always wanted, just like Lily is the daughter i've always wanted. We love them both so much, but differently, you know? Lily is my first and only girl, Noah is my baby and my only son. All of you who have more than one child know that while you love all your children the same, you love them.....in different ways? Know what I mean?
This will be my time to form a different kind of bond with Noah because I know he is going to be sad in his own little baby way. ::sigh::
I spent much longer on here then I intended to and now I have to go tackle some chores that NEED to be done. Hope everyone has a great day. <3
Right now, all is peaceful in my household. Lily is watching "Little Bill" on Nick Jr and Noah is stealing pieces of a chewy peanut butter granola bar from the kitchen table. Leftovers from this morning, I guess. We've been up since 7 am so it's hard to remember. I find it suspicious how a one year old can eat so much. So far this morning he's had 8 ounces of formula, a scrambled egg, a piece of toast with jelly, watered down apple juice in a sippy cup and now the leftover granola bar. That is a lot of food, at least to me. Isn't a baby's stomach supposedly the size of its fist? That's what i've always heard. Someone must be figuring that wrong because my children eat A LOT and always have. Lily eats about 5 small meals a day. No joke. And some of those "small meals" are more than I eat in an entire half day. Hopefully they are blessed with their dad's metabolism. If not, well....I feel sorry for them!
This past weekend was an ok one. I guess i can only say that because we got our taxes done and that always makes you feel somewhat accomplished. But DH got the news on Friday that he is leaving for Haiti soon. Like, really soon. Before February 10th. So that puts a damper on the weekend. I am sad because how could you not be when you know your husband is about to leave and you won't be seeing him for quite awhile? Estimated return date is October 1st. And yes, to me that is a long time to be gone when you haven't had much time to prepare. This will be our first deployment in a LONG time. I mean, long long time. His last return from Iraq was in July 2007. So yeah, its been a while. I guess the best thing about this deployment is that I can rest assured that no bombs will be going off around him. That really is a wonderful thing to not have to worry about. Still, I worry about Noah. Lily & I will be sad, but we will be just fine. We've done this before, we stick together like glue, and she is closer to me than anyone else in this house. Noah has that same bond with his father and I have this terrible feeling inside that this is going to hurt him more than anyone else. I spent the first 3 months of his entire life in and out of the hospital. His father was the one who spent the sleepless nights feeding and soothing him. He gave him all his first baths, and experienced more of the "Baby's First" than I did. I was just too sick to be much help in most instances. I breastfed as long as I could (Noah, it turns out, is severely allergic to milk protein, something we are still dealing with now) but more than half of the breastmilk was expressed and fed to him in bottles while I was sick. So.....while I know that he loves and adores me (and I, him) he has been closest to DH his entire life and this will be their first time apart. It kills me to know that the youngest member of my family is going to hurt the most.
And my husband!
You should have seen him. All weekend, staring at Noah, reminiscing in his own head. Giving him extra hugs, whispery little pep talks. You'd think they shared a lung. It's sweet. But sad. They really are so close. And I understand because Noah is the son he's always wanted, just like Lily is the daughter i've always wanted. We love them both so much, but differently, you know? Lily is my first and only girl, Noah is my baby and my only son. All of you who have more than one child know that while you love all your children the same, you love them.....in different ways? Know what I mean?
This will be my time to form a different kind of bond with Noah because I know he is going to be sad in his own little baby way. ::sigh::
I spent much longer on here then I intended to and now I have to go tackle some chores that NEED to be done. Hope everyone has a great day. <3
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